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memento_vivere We need to talk.
The words Blink had been expecting, and dreading. Her mouth suddenly felt very dry. “I know.” It took more effort than she’d expected to force out the little shred of speech. “Now?”
Another awkward pause. “Not if you don’t want to. I mean. It’s not like we haven’t got the rest of our lives, or anything. Right?”
They shared a strained chuckle.
“I just know we’ll never have a better time, Bee. There’s nobody to interrupt us. Nobody to tell us what to do, or what to think. Nobody to overhear, even. Just us. Two friends, who always used to be able to talk about the most important things in our lives. And we need to sort this out.” A little noise that sounded weirdly like a sigh. “I can’t go on the way we have so far, wondering if you’ll get it into your head that you need to up and leave again. None of us can. And you shouldn’t have to feel like a, a… spare wheel, either. We need to figure something out, so we can all be happy. Not… walking on glass around each other.”
“I know. It’s hard to put into words,” Blink started, quietly, using a fingertip to impress a pattern into the soft surface of the cushion. “You know I’ve always had issues with knowing where I belong. My sire didn’t want me; if not for me, they would never have left. If they hadn’t left, Day would never have got caught up with Greenbolt, and-”
“If you’d not existed, your dam would never have met Lancet, either. Look how happy they are, now.”
Blink swallowed an uncharitable protest. So happy, they felt the need for more children, because the first one was such a failure. “I know.”
“There’s always the potential for good to come out of a situation-”
“I know. I’ve had plenty of time on my own to think what might be good that can come out of this situation.” Blink tried to laugh, but it fell flat. Her throat hurt. “I was-… scared, Dash. RJ sort of… became a symbol of all my stupid insecurities, if you like.”
Skydash went silent, again, inviting Blink to continue.
“In the beginning? I spent so long just… not knowing what to do. I was scared that by telling you, I’d push you away, and I’d never see you again. Scared that by not telling you, you’d find someone else to be with, and I’d never see you again. I just had to hope that I’d still be your friend, even if you were swept off your feet by some tall, beautiful flier.
“When you invited him back to our apartment, that first time? I could see he wasn’t just an extra pair of hands. I tried not to be jealous, because I could see how happy you were, but I couldn’t help resenting him a tiny bit. Then I resented him for making me resent him.” Blink managed to laugh, sadly. “I was angry that he made me jealous of him, because that made you cross with me, and so I resented him for making you angry with me, too. And I was angry that it was all turning me into a horrible snarling resentful monster, which pushed you further away, and the harder I tried to get over it, the worse it got.”
Holding her head up was unnaturally difficult. She let her cheek come down to rest on her arm. “It was so difficult not to see it like he’d stolen you. You were my best friend, and I’d only just found the courage to tell you how I felt, and… all of a sudden, you and he stopped fighting, started getting closer. I couldn’t help wondering, was it my fault? Was I not good enough?” She bit her lip.
Skydash remained silent, although Blink couldn’t tell if she was thinking over what she’d said, or waiting for her to continue.
Perhaps, pessimism suggested, you hit the problem square on the head – not good enough, not patient enough, short fat dumpy misfit grounder with a temper like a ball of barbed wire. Why would she confirm something like that to someone like you?
Blink forced herself to continue, squeezing words out around the spiny lump in her throat.
“I was so happy to see you so happy. So pleased that you’d found the last third of your trine. So was it irrational? Definitely. I just felt like I was being edged out, slowly. I’d see you and RJ, and-… You could both go everywhere that I could, but I couldn’t always follow you. I had to ask for a lift if I wanted to come along, and sometimes I just-… felt too embarrassed to have to ask, and you didn’t always offer.” She felt the heat rising in her ears. They felt painfully stuffy, stifled by the hood. “I didn’t want you to feel encumbered by me. I didn’t want to annoy you by keep asking. I know eventually you’d get tired of it.
“I’d see you both fly away somewhere, and I couldn’t shake that tiny bit of doubt that said you were leaving me behind on purpose.” She elevated her voice a tiny bit, just enough to be heard over Skydash’s protest. “In my heart, I know you weren’t, but I couldn’t quite convince my subconscious, that part of me desperate not to get left behind – not to be unwanted again.”
Her voice had slowly shrunk all the way to a whisper. “I was so scared that you were just being polite. That you thought I was just an obstacle, a-a… spare part. But you didn’t dare tell me because you were worried I’d over-react. You didn’t want to have to tell me you didn’t want me around, because you didn’t trust me to understand, so it was safer to just… go away somewhere.”
“…why didn’t you just say something?”
Blink smiled, sadly, concentrating on her hands. “Because if I asked, you’d know that I’d figured it out, and there’d be no point in you pretending any more. Even if it was just an illusion, it was better than nothing at all.”
Everything felt too hot. She wished she could take off the scratchy, uncomfortable outfit. It felt like yet another barrier between them.
When Skydash finally spoke, it was with a dull, sad tone. “It was only because of you that I found the courage in the first place, to confront him about what he said about my family. I felt like I could do anything, with you there, always beside me to support me, to help me figure things out. Maybe… maybe I was taking you for granted? I don’t know. I just… I knew I could always count on you.
“Sure, RJ frightened me for a long time. He put me in a bucket, when I was a baby! Talk about compounding my claustrophobia! I thought he’d never speak to me ever again, when I confronted him. When I told him to just… lay the frag off? Leave me alone, leave you alone, leave my family alone, leave us all alone? It was a weight off my wings and I was so convinced that we’d never see him again.
“When he said he respected me more for defending my family? Actually talked to me with a civil tone? Talk about getting a spanner in your turbines. I didn’t know what to think. I started to see him as less of an aggressive, unpleasant malfunction. More just… a guy who didn’t really know how to deal with anything other than other aggressive, unpleasant malfunctions. And there was a good soul in there – just one hidden behind a lifetime of armour.
“I saw him as our complement. Something to make us whole, as trine, as family. I guess-… I guess I assumed that because I’m coded for it, you’d automatically understand it all, too.” Another of those awkward pauses. “I’m sorry. I-… shouldn’t have assumed. I should have discussed it properly, made sure you were actually genuinely happy with it. Not just going along with it because I asked you to.”
Blink struggled to find a protest, but her throat had closed right up. Denying the truth, again, would put them back at square one. She could feel her nails digging into her palms.
Another of those horrible, uncomfortable silences yawned like a chasm between them. Finally, Skydash continued, quietly. “I don’t want to be forced to choose between you, Bee. I can’t push him out of my life, because he’s not just some dumb mech that happens to be a good frag. I love him, with just as much of my body and soul as I always loved you. It tore me up, inside, seeing what a mess he became when you went away – not only did he really love you, he knew it was his fault that you left. How do you console someone over that sort of loss?”
Blink closed her eyes. “I don’t know.” The words refused to come unstuck.
“Who’s to say I didn’t feel a tiny bit like he was trying to steal you from me?” Another of those subtle almost-sighs. “You were never just the dumpy, unattractive, cumbersome third wheel that you keep on thinking you were. You were just as vibrant and vivacious as any of us, just as smart and as fearless as the best of them. It was only when jealousy poisoned you that we ran out of energy to deal with it. How do you convince someone of their self-worth when they’re tearing themselves down as fast as you try and build them up? Eventually something has to give.”
Skydash spoke slowly. Carefully. “You’ll always be my sister. I hope you’ll always be my best friend. And I really, really hope you can still be the third in our trine. I just-… I don’t know if I dare trust you to be anything more than that, any more.”
Blink swallowed around the lump tightening her throat. Her eyes hurt. “I understand.”
“I-I mean… Nobody ever said trine had to be intimate – look at Day, and his brothers. Ew!” Skydash forced a chuckle. “…Bee?”
Blink forced a smile, although it made her feel more like crying. “It’s all right. I understand. I promise.” She concentrated on drawing in a long, slow breath. “Fairly sure there are plenty of folk back home that would think a trio of pretty jets getting busy are far from ‘ew’.”
“Ew-! Bee! That’s my sire…!”
19,299 out of 50,000
The words Blink had been expecting, and dreading. Her mouth suddenly felt very dry. “I know.” It took more effort than she’d expected to force out the little shred of speech. “Now?”
Another awkward pause. “Not if you don’t want to. I mean. It’s not like we haven’t got the rest of our lives, or anything. Right?”
They shared a strained chuckle.
“I just know we’ll never have a better time, Bee. There’s nobody to interrupt us. Nobody to tell us what to do, or what to think. Nobody to overhear, even. Just us. Two friends, who always used to be able to talk about the most important things in our lives. And we need to sort this out.” A little noise that sounded weirdly like a sigh. “I can’t go on the way we have so far, wondering if you’ll get it into your head that you need to up and leave again. None of us can. And you shouldn’t have to feel like a, a… spare wheel, either. We need to figure something out, so we can all be happy. Not… walking on glass around each other.”
“I know. It’s hard to put into words,” Blink started, quietly, using a fingertip to impress a pattern into the soft surface of the cushion. “You know I’ve always had issues with knowing where I belong. My sire didn’t want me; if not for me, they would never have left. If they hadn’t left, Day would never have got caught up with Greenbolt, and-”
“If you’d not existed, your dam would never have met Lancet, either. Look how happy they are, now.”
Blink swallowed an uncharitable protest. So happy, they felt the need for more children, because the first one was such a failure. “I know.”
“There’s always the potential for good to come out of a situation-”
“I know. I’ve had plenty of time on my own to think what might be good that can come out of this situation.” Blink tried to laugh, but it fell flat. Her throat hurt. “I was-… scared, Dash. RJ sort of… became a symbol of all my stupid insecurities, if you like.”
Skydash went silent, again, inviting Blink to continue.
“In the beginning? I spent so long just… not knowing what to do. I was scared that by telling you, I’d push you away, and I’d never see you again. Scared that by not telling you, you’d find someone else to be with, and I’d never see you again. I just had to hope that I’d still be your friend, even if you were swept off your feet by some tall, beautiful flier.
“When you invited him back to our apartment, that first time? I could see he wasn’t just an extra pair of hands. I tried not to be jealous, because I could see how happy you were, but I couldn’t help resenting him a tiny bit. Then I resented him for making me resent him.” Blink managed to laugh, sadly. “I was angry that he made me jealous of him, because that made you cross with me, and so I resented him for making you angry with me, too. And I was angry that it was all turning me into a horrible snarling resentful monster, which pushed you further away, and the harder I tried to get over it, the worse it got.”
Holding her head up was unnaturally difficult. She let her cheek come down to rest on her arm. “It was so difficult not to see it like he’d stolen you. You were my best friend, and I’d only just found the courage to tell you how I felt, and… all of a sudden, you and he stopped fighting, started getting closer. I couldn’t help wondering, was it my fault? Was I not good enough?” She bit her lip.
Skydash remained silent, although Blink couldn’t tell if she was thinking over what she’d said, or waiting for her to continue.
Perhaps, pessimism suggested, you hit the problem square on the head – not good enough, not patient enough, short fat dumpy misfit grounder with a temper like a ball of barbed wire. Why would she confirm something like that to someone like you?
Blink forced herself to continue, squeezing words out around the spiny lump in her throat.
“I was so happy to see you so happy. So pleased that you’d found the last third of your trine. So was it irrational? Definitely. I just felt like I was being edged out, slowly. I’d see you and RJ, and-… You could both go everywhere that I could, but I couldn’t always follow you. I had to ask for a lift if I wanted to come along, and sometimes I just-… felt too embarrassed to have to ask, and you didn’t always offer.” She felt the heat rising in her ears. They felt painfully stuffy, stifled by the hood. “I didn’t want you to feel encumbered by me. I didn’t want to annoy you by keep asking. I know eventually you’d get tired of it.
“I’d see you both fly away somewhere, and I couldn’t shake that tiny bit of doubt that said you were leaving me behind on purpose.” She elevated her voice a tiny bit, just enough to be heard over Skydash’s protest. “In my heart, I know you weren’t, but I couldn’t quite convince my subconscious, that part of me desperate not to get left behind – not to be unwanted again.”
Her voice had slowly shrunk all the way to a whisper. “I was so scared that you were just being polite. That you thought I was just an obstacle, a-a… spare part. But you didn’t dare tell me because you were worried I’d over-react. You didn’t want to have to tell me you didn’t want me around, because you didn’t trust me to understand, so it was safer to just… go away somewhere.”
“…why didn’t you just say something?”
Blink smiled, sadly, concentrating on her hands. “Because if I asked, you’d know that I’d figured it out, and there’d be no point in you pretending any more. Even if it was just an illusion, it was better than nothing at all.”
Everything felt too hot. She wished she could take off the scratchy, uncomfortable outfit. It felt like yet another barrier between them.
When Skydash finally spoke, it was with a dull, sad tone. “It was only because of you that I found the courage in the first place, to confront him about what he said about my family. I felt like I could do anything, with you there, always beside me to support me, to help me figure things out. Maybe… maybe I was taking you for granted? I don’t know. I just… I knew I could always count on you.
“Sure, RJ frightened me for a long time. He put me in a bucket, when I was a baby! Talk about compounding my claustrophobia! I thought he’d never speak to me ever again, when I confronted him. When I told him to just… lay the frag off? Leave me alone, leave you alone, leave my family alone, leave us all alone? It was a weight off my wings and I was so convinced that we’d never see him again.
“When he said he respected me more for defending my family? Actually talked to me with a civil tone? Talk about getting a spanner in your turbines. I didn’t know what to think. I started to see him as less of an aggressive, unpleasant malfunction. More just… a guy who didn’t really know how to deal with anything other than other aggressive, unpleasant malfunctions. And there was a good soul in there – just one hidden behind a lifetime of armour.
“I saw him as our complement. Something to make us whole, as trine, as family. I guess-… I guess I assumed that because I’m coded for it, you’d automatically understand it all, too.” Another of those awkward pauses. “I’m sorry. I-… shouldn’t have assumed. I should have discussed it properly, made sure you were actually genuinely happy with it. Not just going along with it because I asked you to.”
Blink struggled to find a protest, but her throat had closed right up. Denying the truth, again, would put them back at square one. She could feel her nails digging into her palms.
Another of those horrible, uncomfortable silences yawned like a chasm between them. Finally, Skydash continued, quietly. “I don’t want to be forced to choose between you, Bee. I can’t push him out of my life, because he’s not just some dumb mech that happens to be a good frag. I love him, with just as much of my body and soul as I always loved you. It tore me up, inside, seeing what a mess he became when you went away – not only did he really love you, he knew it was his fault that you left. How do you console someone over that sort of loss?”
Blink closed her eyes. “I don’t know.” The words refused to come unstuck.
“Who’s to say I didn’t feel a tiny bit like he was trying to steal you from me?” Another of those subtle almost-sighs. “You were never just the dumpy, unattractive, cumbersome third wheel that you keep on thinking you were. You were just as vibrant and vivacious as any of us, just as smart and as fearless as the best of them. It was only when jealousy poisoned you that we ran out of energy to deal with it. How do you convince someone of their self-worth when they’re tearing themselves down as fast as you try and build them up? Eventually something has to give.”
Skydash spoke slowly. Carefully. “You’ll always be my sister. I hope you’ll always be my best friend. And I really, really hope you can still be the third in our trine. I just-… I don’t know if I dare trust you to be anything more than that, any more.”
Blink swallowed around the lump tightening her throat. Her eyes hurt. “I understand.”
“I-I mean… Nobody ever said trine had to be intimate – look at Day, and his brothers. Ew!” Skydash forced a chuckle. “…Bee?”
Blink forced a smile, although it made her feel more like crying. “It’s all right. I understand. I promise.” She concentrated on drawing in a long, slow breath. “Fairly sure there are plenty of folk back home that would think a trio of pretty jets getting busy are far from ‘ew’.”
“Ew-! Bee! That’s my sire…!”
