Memento Vivere, Nineteen-point-five

[keaalu]

    For the fourth time in as many minutes, Blink wondered if she kept deconstructing Venture, like this, could she make her way clean out from her cabin, through the wall? It was good to have something to keep her mind occupied; it helped her feel a little less disoriented, a little more grounded. Nicely distracted from the creatures that had left her reeling.

    She’d finally dozed off sitting curled up down beside her bed, and woke with a crick in the neck and a sore backside – but the discomfort had come with a blessing. While she sat and groaned and tried to work the stiffness out of her back, she’s spotted what looked like a loose panel in the wall. The instant she was able to actually move again, she’d attacked the seal with her nails, and carefully pried the panel away, to find just enough room for a small determined fessine to squeeze her upper body inside.

    Within the wall, and now almost completely hidden by the mirror, she found an old computer terminal, complete with communications array. Sure, it had been thoroughly disconnected, the wires not just unplugged but snipped away from their connections altogether, but it was all still there. Which meant, she could use it. A shaky sense of renewed optimism began to swell in her chest.

    Laying at an uncomfortable angle, with a pillow to protect her back from the sharp part of the hole, Blink traced her fingertips along the printed circuitry, trying to figure out which of the million coloured wires denoted communications. (Easier said than done, in the dark.) If she followed it back to the terminal, worked out which was the comms wire, she could jack her reading board into it, and send a ping to Brume. Get the ship itself to send Skydash information on where it was. Most satisfying? Bypassing the computer would mean Kainda wouldn’t even know. She wasn’t sure which satisfied her more, the idea she could send a signal to her friend, or the simple fact of Kainda not knowing.

    From somewhere just beyond the door, Blink caught the faintest whisper of approaching footsteps, and all the hair on the back of her neck stood to attention, alarmed. Without thinking, she threw her well-practiced plan into motion – closed the panel, reset the datapad to a news article, leaped onto her bed and tried really hard to feign reading.

    The thuds of her heart sounded ridiculously loud in her ears as a quiet Lunete slipped through the door and set a small tray of food on the closest cabinet, turning to go without saying a word.

    “Thank you,” Blink said.

    Lunete hesitated in the doorway, fingers resting against the frame. “Welcome.” Her voice sounded small and reluctant.

    “I’m sorry,” Blink offered. “I didn’t want to mislead you. I just didn’t have much alternative.” She rose to her feet and went to investigate what she’d been given – a plain bread roll, some featureless orange soup, and a steaming tisane that smelt both sharp and sweet.

    “You could have said something, instead of lead me on like that. I really liked you,” Lunete said, quietly, refusing to meet the eerie blue gaze. “And all the time, you were lying to me. Letting me think you were just some nice, shy little spur, with no family and nowhere to belong. To think I actually felt sorry for you.”

    “You didn’t give me much opportunity to explain-”

    “You were never going to explain,” Lunete scoffed, painfully. “You had too much at stake for you to even consider it.”

    “I’m sorry. I did like you, too.”

    Lunete glanced up, lips pursed, lines of disbelief etched into her brow.

    Blink offered a small, fleeting smile as their eyes finally met. “We could still be friends, if you wanted.”

    “Friends? Or do you just want to use me for something else.” Lunete pouted, hurt. “Did you enjoy making me look like an idiot, or was that all just part of the plan? Get some validation of who you’re pretending to be by convincing some fluff-brained fessine?” She folded her arms. “I don’t know if they do it differently on Hesger, but here? People who like each other don’t lie to each other.”

    Blink turned away, sliding the tray along the countertop; the small dresser and stool would serve as a table. “If I’d told you I was fessine, you’d have immediately told Kainda.”

    Lunete scuffed her toes against the carpet. “I could have kept a secret, if you’d asked me to.”

    “You couldn’t wait to tell Kainda about Skydash.”

    “That was different-!”

    “How.”

    “It wasn’t like you ever told me not to tell her.” Lunete rolled one shoulder in an uncomfortable shrug. “And I was trying to make her interested enough to come and see you. I didn’t realise she’d be more interested in that stupid thing instead.”

    “She-… Skydash isn’t a stupid thing.” Annoyance flashed through Blink’s expression. “And lying was a necessary evil. It’s not like I’m proud of it. I had something very important to do, I didn’t need to be pursued hither and yon by every curious medusi within a hundred mile radius. Probably naïve of me to think it’d be so simple.” She shot a brief glare in Lunete’s direction, then picked up her spoon and stirred the soup around, not especially hungry any more. Her voice dropped to a murmur. “Not that it’s important any more. They won’t help, and now I’m going to be arrested.”

    Lunete hesitated. A confused frown creased her brow. “What do you mean?”

    Blink glared, tiredly. “You’re not seriously trying to get me to believe Kainda hasn’t called the police?”

    “I meant-… you said they wouldn’t help you. Who are they?”

    “It doesn’t matter.”

    Lunete watched her poke at her lunch. For all her big words, Blink was still trembling, just a tiny bit, still preoccupied and scared. Lunete thought back to the conversation she’d overheard. They won’t help me. They threw me out and told me to go away.

    And now she has us to contend with, too. She twirled her ringlets around her fingers, guilty. “Would, um. I mean, are you cold? Would you like my cardigan?”

    Blink glanced down at her shirt. It was barely clinging on – a combination of the knife, her earlier fall, and all the little sharp bits from behind the panel had all individually taken their toll. Barely enough was left to maintain her modesty. She finally smiled, sadly. “No thank you.”

    Lunete shrugged the dainty little knitted jumper off her shoulders, folded it carefully and set it down on the end of the bed, anyway. She smiled and patted her hand on it. “Well, it, um. It’s here if you want it. I’ll come back and get your tray later.”

    Kainda arrived just as Lunete was leaving. The fessine passed her in the doorway, ducking under her arm. “What are you doing down here?” Kainda called after her.

    Receiving no reply before Lunete vanished around the corner, the medusi sighed dramatically and turned to face Blink, who had finally removed the last few shreds of her shirt and now sat bare-chested, quietly eating.

    Kainda’s gaze travelled involuntarily over the naked chest until it found nipples. She sucked in a tiny breath, startled, and looked like she’d have blanched, had she been capable, before turning bodily away. “Please put some clothes on.”

    Blink stared at the back of her head for an instant or two. “You cut mine off. Remember?”

    “There’s plenty in the cupboards.”

    “They’re locked. I already checked.”

    “Just-… standard precautions. I didn’t want them all coming open in transit.” Kainda threw up her hands. “You could have asked me!”

    “Why give you the satisfaction? I’m comfortable enough.” Blink rolled a shoulder in a shrug. “I thought you wanted me like this.”

    “I-… no! Not… half-naked.”

    “Just docile and obedient, I get it. Well, the police will be here soon. They’ll soon take me off your hands.”

    “Skeida. Why do you insist on being so difficult?”

    Blink glared. “I don’t know. I can’t imagine why I might be resistant and unco-operative when taken against my will and held hostage by someone who doesn’t care about my autonomy or my feelings.”

    Kainda muttered a curse under her breath. “Look. I’m giving you an incredible opportunity. Most fessine would leap at it! I already know what you are, and I’m still willing to give you a safe place to work. You don’t have to go to all that ridiculous effort to hide your identity. If you agree to work with me, I’ll tell the police it was a mistake. You can be free to continue your work in safety and comfort. All I ask for in return is some information on your machine.”

    Blink returned her attention to her soup. “I’ll take my chances with the police, thank you.”

    “You realise that being difficult isn’t going to stop me getting what I want?”

    “Thank you. I’m well aware of that.”

    With a barely-articulate grunt that sounded rather like I give up, Kainda threw up her hands and disappeared out of the doorway. It sliced closed behind her.

    Blink stayed at her table for a few minutes, to ensure Kainda wasn’t coming back, then picked up the knife, and pried the wall panel loose again.

* * * * *
     Kainda found Lunete in the ship’s lounge, sharing a huge slouch cushion with Grieta. Neither looked up as Kainda entered; Grieta looked only partially conscious, sitting between Lunete’s legs and purring softly as the other fessine brushed her hair, and Lunete was concentrating far more than necessary on her work, as though trying to avoid any awkward questions.

    The medusi settled nearby, spreading a map open on the table with the intention of checking their route… but rather than use the charts, she ended up just watching her wife distractedly brushing the same section over and over. “You’re thinking about her again.”

    “No.” Lunete shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Yes. Well, thinking about who she used to be. When she was a spur.” She glanced up. “She could still be a part of our crew, if you gave her a chance. Like… if we offered to help her, maybe she’d help us back.”

    “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t need such a deceitful little girl in my crew. If she can be so brazen as to lie about her gender, what else is she lying about? She’s already being a disruptive nuisance, and she’s not even got free run of Venture.” Kainda waved the idea off, going back to her map. “If she could manage to steal that thing, that… wardrone or whatever it is… What else will she help herself to while my back is turned?”

    “Maybe being a spur was the only thing she was lying about.” Lunete divided her handful of Grieta’s hair into three sections, fussily combing each until they were perfect. “I don’t think she’s lying about coming from Hesger. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t understand about what laima genders mean. She was just expected to join in with all the other nasty, dirty things, and do things spurs are normally meant to do.” She began to plait, carefully. “I think maybe she’s not lying about being an engineer, either. Maybe she didn’t build the skydash thing, but she might know how to fix our yacht, if we give her a chance to prove it.”

    Kainda subject her wife to a very long, probing stare; Lunete looked up and met her gaze, unflinching. “All right,” the medusi offered, at last. “I can see you plotting. What’s the master plan you’re cooking up?”

    Lunete looked down at her plaiting, concentrating on getting each section perfect and even. It helped her keep her nerves from jittering. “I don’t think Blink has ever been given the opportunity to be a real fessine before. Maybe she didn’t need to be, maybe she couldn’t, maybe that’s why she’s happy to be all scruffy and spur-like. She’s got potential, though. She seems nice and she could be pretty. Those unusual blue eyes. She could grow her hair out a little… a little surgery to make her a bit curvier, a bit more feminine? Get rid of her scars. Some makeup. I-I could teach her how to be normal. We’ll be the only family in the sector with a beautiful, smart little engineer.” Seeing Kainda’s expression warming and growing more thoughtful, Lunete played her winning move. “If she feels wanted, she might even bring the skydash to us, too. We won’t have to force her hand. She’ll give us its secrets because she wants to.”

    Kainda tapped her fingers against her lips, thoughtfully. “Plus, we know she has no family locally, so it’s not like anyone is going to swoop to her rescue.”

    Lunete resisted the urge to correct her. She wasn’t sure who it was she’d heard Blink speaking to, when she’d eavesdropped on her in Brume, but she certainly had someone here that knew her, cared about her.

    “All right. You have until the police get here. If you can convince her to behave like a normal fessine, I’ll think about letting her stay. If the police get here first? I guess she’ll still need a sponsor for when she gets out of prison.”

* * * * *
     Leaving Grieta snoozing contentedly and Kainda discussing something with Venture’s pilot, Lunete sneaked back down to the guest quarters, and peeked through the door. Blink sat on her bed, cross-legged, a simple white vest now covering her chest. If she’d noticed Lunete’s arrival, she didn’t respond to it, reading something on the tablet lying in front of her on the mattress.

    Lunete let the door whisper closed behind her, padded quietly across the carpet, and sat next to her. “I never asked you what Hesger was like.”

    Blink shrugged, not looking up. “No point trying to make small talk now, you know.”

    “Maybe.” Lunete looked down at the pad; some sort of incomprehensible scientific article. “I’m just trying to understand why you did what you did.”

    Using a stiffened finger, Blink flicked the tablet’s screen to turn the page, not looking up, but her lips were set in a firm line and Lunete could tell she wasn’t actually reading the article she had open.

    “Isn’t it easier, now? You don’t have to pretend, any more. We know who you are. It’s got to be less stressful to just… be normal again. Right?”

    “As everyone has so helpfully pointed out, I can hardly be defined as normal.”

    “Only because back on Hesger, it wasn’t safe for you to be. Right? It must have been really hard to be a fessine when everything’s dangerous and you might get hurt.”

    “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I enjoyed getting dirty, and doing dangerous work? That I don’t want to just… sit around, looking nice, waiting for someone to pay me attention?” Blink flashed her a brief, irritated glance. “I didn’t care about getting hurt. I cared about getting bored.”

    Lunete sat quietly for a moment, digesting it. “You have a lot of scars. Is that why-… Did you get them on Hesger?”

    “Yes.”

    Lunete waited for Blink to elaborate, but the fessine just sat and read her pad.

    “I think there’s a treatment you can get that makes them fade. Uh. If you wanted.”

    Blink glanced up at her, then shook her head, exasperated.

    “They’re quite visible, this close up.” Lunete traced one of the pale lines with a fingertip, before Blink jerked her shoulder away. “Sorry. I was just curious.”

    “Don’t be.”

    Lunete sighed, and sat back on her heels. “I thought you said we could still be friends.”

    “I thought you made it clear you’re not interested in being friends with a liar.”

    “I thought you said you only lied because you were desperate.”

    Blink looked up properly, at last. “Why are you so keen to be friendly again? I know you’re not comfortable around me. What has Inda told you to do now?”

    “Nothing.” Lunete matched her stare, unflinching. “I want to understand you. Why a fessine would rather act like a spur, even when she doesn’t have to be in disguise. It’s like you’ve never let yourself be anything else.”

    Blink pursed her lips. Her shoulders pulled forwards, ever so subtly, defensively.

    “It-it’s not a problem. You don’t have to be ashamed of it.” Lunete shuffled a tiny bit closer, and held out the comb. “May I?”

    Blink eyed her, warily. “If you have to.”

    “I want to. I want you to be comfortable.”

    “I would be comfortable if you took me back to Brume and let me go.”

    Lunete sagged, disappointed.

    “…all right.” Blink acquiesced, with a sigh, and rubbed her sore eyes. “Whatever you want. I don’t precisely have a full diary.”

    Lunete perked, a little. She slid off the bed, and gave the chair in front of the dresser an encouraging pat.

    Blink followed woodenly, with rounded shoulders and a slump in her back. She didn’t precisely enjoy sitting and staring at her reflection for long on a normal day, let alone while she looked such a rag-bag. Her hair was an untidy mat – not even the artful scruff she’d been trying to perfect since leaving Hesger, just an uncombed, lazy tangle. Her eyes stood out like bruises against her tired skin.

    Lunete barely batten an eyelash; she flashed a small, reassuring smile, and got to work.

    Blink watched her reflection in the mirror. With each stroke from the comb, the scruffy, effeminate little spur began to turn back into a fessine – maybe not precisely pretty, but less androgynous. Lunete worked quickly and easily; damp-combed the unruly hair until it stayed in the smooth style she wanted, applied a little makeup around the strange blue eyes, tinted the lips, clipped earrings onto the small triangular ears.

    Finally Lunete was satisfied. She smiled, tired but optimistic, and met Blink’s gaze through the mirror. “There. You look nice.” She settled her donated cardigan around the other fessine’s shoulders.

    Blink looked away, unable to pin down precisely what made her so uncomfortable.

    “It’ll be all right, you know? Inda’s not a bad person, so long as you don’t let what she says get under your skin too much.” Lunete bumped her head gently against Blink’s. “Let me know if you want me to help you with anything.” Lunete kissed her cheek, and slipped away, out through the door.

    Blink listened to it clunk closed and lock behind her. On her own but no less reluctant, she examined her reflection more closely in the mirror. She looked… normal. Like any of the hundred fessine she’d passed on the streets of Brume, going about their business with none of that horrible fear of being discovered grinding away inside them. Add a pair of cosmetic lenses to hide her eye colour, and she’d have blended straight into the crowd.

    Didn’t you say to Dash you wanted to be normal? To fit in? To just be yourself for a little while?

    Isn’t this exactly what you wanted?

    Funny how you only got it by being abducted by your enemy. You couldn’t even do ‘feminine’ until Lunete and her makeup box came along.

    Frustrated and fraught, Blink snatched the earrings off her ears and threw them across the room. She mussed her hair, then staggered to the sink and scrubbed all the makeup away. The soap made her eyes sting.

    She tried hard to get back to working on the wall, but couldn’t keep her mind on what she was doing. Maybe this is where I belong now. It was hard to force the thought away. You have no other prospects. It’s got to be better than a correctional facility, and how can Dash help you if you’ve been arrested? Assuming she hasn’t lost hope and gone home already.

    When she finally went to bed, the thoughts were still swirling in her mind… but her dreams were full of the towering city skyscrapers of home, and the musical roar of hundreds of wings.